Group Homes

There's a group home across the street with all sorts of insane people living under one roof. Man, what a riot that place is. It's been there so long I don't remember a time when it hasn't been there, and boy the people comin' out of that place get creepier and creepier.

One of the most notable people I remember is this old guy, probably late 50's/early 60's, that would make it his duty to say "Hi-eeeeeeeeee!" Hi-eeeeeee! Hi-eeeeeeee! Hi-eeeeeee! Hi-eeeeeeee! Hi-eeeeeeee!" every time he saw me, or one of my family members. This dude had a voice only a mother could love - it was a cross between Darth Vader and Macy Gray. Sound like a match made in Hell? It was.

My sister once asked him why he voice was so crackly and weird. He simply said "DRRRRRRRRRRR--UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH-SSSSSSSSSS." Nice. So there you have it kiddies - don't do drughhhhhhhhhhhhhs or you'll end up like that guy.

Then there was this other guy; his name was Gerry. Some former New York City cop that got shot and was paralyzed and blinded. Crazy shit. Anyway, he would hang out in his wheelchair at the bottom of the driveway and listen to books on tape.

When my mother went outside to get the mail, she'd always say hello to him out of the kindness of her oh-so-liberal heart, and he'd say hello back. This eventually turned into more than a hello when she'd spend sometimes an hour outside talking to this man she had nothing in common with. I personally could never understand what he was saying - somehow the gunshot made his ability to speak really difficult, so words came out sounding not so wordsy. But alas, my mother being the wonderful woman she is, didn't care about this and talked to him like he was just a regular dude. Bless her heart.

Another guy worth mentioning is this very very very mentally unstable "kid" called Calvin. Calvin had some major behavioral issues - it took dozens of people to give him his medication so he could calm down.

One day, I heard the dogs barking very angrily (this was before we got Juno - Freckles was still alive and Petey wasn't a depressed mutt), but I didn't think anything of it because they tend to do this all the time. Later in the day I learned that Calvin had TRIED TO BREAK INTO OUR HOUSE, but ran back across the street because he is scared of dogs - GOOD DOGGIES!

But that wasn't the last encounter with ol' Calvin. Oh no, Calvin got out another time a few weeks later and spit on my brother and his friends while they were walking down the street back to the house, and he also spit on a woman driving in her gas guzzler. It's obvious these people working there can't handle the crazy asshole.

It gets BETTER. Me and my mom were exiting the house to go out somewhere. I was just putting my wheelchair in the trunk when I heard a voice from behind say "Lock the door! Lock the door!" - I looked behind me, and saw CALVIN coming towards me, the insane grin on his face like always. I bolted into the car as fast as humanly possible, locked the door, and thanked my lucky stars I got inside in time.

I wasn't so lucky. Calvin tried to open the door. It was locked. Then he went for the driver door, which I was behind. To my misfortune it wasn't locked, and so when he pulled the door handle it did, indeed, open. He came partially into the car, looked straight at me, and spit, just barely missing me. Son of a BITCH.

And last but certainly not least, there's Anthony. Now Anthony is a truly disturbed individual. Not only does he walk the streets humming to himself, but he always asks me to call the US Marshalls or the police for him, alleging that they aren't feeding or something to that affect.

But he also has this tendency to scream bloody murder at random times of the day - it seriously sounds like someone is being maimed to death. Did I mention he sometimes does this at 4 o'clock in the morning? How do you sleep after you've been waken up by a man screaming? It's not easy.

As crazy as they are, they sure make life real interesting.